


Something to Stand On

by Dropdead



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, I'm not a writer but I needed something to cry about so I made it, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, OOC, tbh I think this is super unrealistic for them but I needed angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 08:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21653452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dropdead/pseuds/Dropdead
Summary: Andrew cheats on Neil, and neither is sure where to go from there.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 43
Kudos: 294





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is so OOC for Andrew and Neil. I think??? Idk I don't think they would ever cheat on each other but I'm a sucker for angst specifically cheating angst for some reason so,, 
> 
> here we are.
> 
> I'm not a writer but I wrote it bc I wanted it and now I'm putting it out here for yall to look at.

Neil Josten could never be real.

He was one of many personalities inhabited by a liar, and only there until something or someone took him away; one of the butcher’s loyal followers, or maybe an overly dedicated Raven’s fan. Andrew didn't know. Neil Josten was an easy fuck at best and running on Andrew’s last bit of control in every moment in between. Neil Josten was a problem child with a sharp tongue, and only around because Andrew thought he had the potential to not be as painfully mind-numbing as every other fox on the court.

At least, that’s what Andrew told himself when he was fucking another man in the backroom of Eden’s, while Neil slept peacefully at the fox tower.

Their peaceful night had ended hours before with a cigarette on the roof and too many truths; so many truths, Andrew felt like he was choking as they crawled down his throat. Truths that were carving out anything they could once they reached his chest. He was caving in with the weight of nothing, and the ground they had built their trust on had begun to fall underneath him. Neil sat next to him, the cherry of his cigarette illuminating all those wonderful features Andrew detested, blissfully unaware that his relationship was going end over end just inches away from him; but, in Andrew’s mind, he was already orchestrating the downfall. 

Because this could never be Andrew; this all-encompassing feeling, this fairy tale that Neil Josten could ever be something more than nothing, and not devastate Andrew in the process. Whoever planted the idea in Neil Josten’s brain that Andrew could ever be good for something, something more than pain and destruction had lied to him too many times; they could have a count as high as the boy himself. Pathological liars run in pairs, or so it seems.

So when Neil fell asleep, gazing at Andrew as if he had hung the stars in the sky before he closed his eye, Andrew knew what he had to do. He had to break Neil Josten before Neil could break him.

Because while Neil was laughing with Matt, or telling easy truths to Wymack; no one seemed to notice that Andrew was looking at Neil the exact same way.

Andrew hadn’t asked for his name, and he didn’t pretend he cared about a single word the nameless man said after that. If he was offended, he didn’t show it, and that was good enough for Andrew. 

“Do you want to get out of here?”, had been answered only by a raised eyebrow, but the man’s ego didn’t seem to take a hit. He simply waited until Andrew finished his drink, and was smart enough to follow when Andrew started towards the door that said ‘Staff Only'.

Somewhere in Andrew’s mind, he thought that, maybe, breaking Neil could be irreversible. How would Neil look him in the eye when he found out? How, after all the people who had carved into his precious skin, could he lie in a bed next to someone who intentionally hurt him just the same. The moves were different, the motive was miles away, but the betrayal would still ring in his ears. This could all be avoided; Andrew could tell the man to fuck off, he could get into the driver's seat of that damned Maserati, and he could go back to Neil. Andrew could crawl into bed and be welcomed by a man who trusted him with everything, and fall asleep like he had every night for the past month. He could do that.

“Don’t touch anywhere below the waist, and mark up my neck. We aren’t going to fuck, and you aren’t going to get me off. I’ll never contact you, and if I see you here again, you better turn the other way; yes or no?” Andrew asked, back against a locked door.

“Yeah- yeah, that sounds perfect.”

Neil Josten was a light sleeper because he couldn't afford not to be. ‘A heavy sleeper will die that way’, his mother told him once, somewhere in Germany. So when he heard the growl of the Maserati tearing through the otherwise silent parking lot, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He knew Andrew had gone for a drive; he did that sometimes when the days were too much, or the idea of sleeping practically begged for nightmares. Neil would let him go because he knew better than anyone else what it was like to feel like he was suffocating under ghosts who wouldn’t leave him alone.

He heard Andrew enter the dorm with a slam of the door and keys on the counter. The fridge door opened, and a spoon hit the sides of a mug as he made himself a drink. In a silent dorm the noise was deafening, but Neil couldn’t bring himself to mind.

Andrew opened the bedroom door only minutes later, lights off and hands-free of the mug as he entered their bathroom. He hadn’t said a word to Neil as he silently closed the door, now wearing a pair of basketball shorts and Neil’s hoodie, and walked towards the bunks. Neil rolled over in his bed, an open invitation, and asked a simple, ‘Yes or no?’, and didn’t take it personally as he watched Andrew climb into his own bed. Tonight wasn’t a good night to sleep in the same bed as another, and that was okay.

Maybe that was why when Neil peacefully fell back asleep moments later, Andrew was lying on his back, staring up at Neil’s bed. The shitty dorm mattress weighed down under Neil’s body, so Andrew could pin-point exactly where Neil slept.

Maybe the fact that it was always yes unless it was no, was overbearing. Maybe it was the fact that there wasn’t a hint of disappointment in Neil’s face when Andrew had denied him what he wanted.

Maybe it was the fact that the room was so dark, Neil couldn't see the trails of bruises the other man left, painting Andrew’s neck blue and purple like a field of violets.

Maybe all of the factors combined were the reason Andrew couldn’t sleep.

Maybe this was going to be a problem in the morning, and Andrew didn’t know how he was going to fix it.

When Neil woke up to his alarm clock blaring and the sun coming in through the blinds, he thought through his schedule. Go for a run- likely a short one, depending on how Andrew was still feeling, take a shower, eat breakfast with Kevin and Andrew to go over plays, though mostly with Kevin, and go to class. His day after that would be a sharp routine as always, and nothing he had to worry about. He had his training schedule for today's practice, and if all went as planned, they would have a sure win against UT on Friday. After, if Andrew was feeling up for it, they could go to the roof and talk about what was happening last night; maybe not.

Neil threw his legs over the mattress and searched for the ladder, eyes closed as he lowered himself towards the floor. It wasn’t until Neil was walking towards the bathroom that he noticed Andrew, sitting up in his bed. Neil continued on his way towards the door, grabbing some clothes and his shoes on the way.

“Good morning, Drew. Are you excited to talk plays over breakfast with Kevin?”

Silence. 

“I hear he’ll be having toasted wheat bread, kale smoothies, and a side of carrots- your favorite. I’m sure he’ll share if you ask nicely”.

Silence. 

Neil frowned but continued to get dressed. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Andrew to dismiss small talk, but lately, he’d even been starting pointless conversations with Neil. Maybe today was an off day, and that was something they could work through. ‘Maybe I should call Bee,’ Neil thought. Andrew had a rough night, and he didn’t seem to be off much better this morning either. 

As Neil exited the bathroom, he looked at Andrew again. Andrew didn’t look like he had slept much, but he was staring at Neil with a mix of longing and careful apathy Neil had never seen before. Like he was reaching for something, but patiently waiting for it to bite off his hand just as he got close.

“Drew, did you sleep last night? I can skip my run today, do you want-”

“Don’t. Don’t call me that. Not right now”. Andrew choked on the words like they were wrapping their hands around his throat. He pulled the blanket tighter around his body, and Neil had never seen him look so small. It would’ve been endearing, had it not been for the bags under his eyes or anger in his voice.

“Andrew, talk to me. What can I do? Do you want me to call Abby? Do you need to stay home today?” Andrew answered none of the questions, but his shoulders hunched even more so as they each passed.

“Andrew. Yes or no?” 

Neil Josten was as perfect as he was unreal; so when he asked Andrew that question, hours after what Andrew had done, and moments before he found out the truth, Andrew said yes. He said yes because he was selfish; because if Andrew was going to lose him over a meaningless blowjob, he wanted to hold him one last time. Before this all came crashing down. Before Neil stopped looking at him like that.

Neil was at his side in an instant, careful hands running through Andrew’s hair; it was sickening, how soft the son of a butcher could be. How Neil was capable of this, everything, after the world had shown him nothing but rough hands and loud voices and sharp knives- Andrew would never know.

Would Neil still be this soft when the blanket fell? When Andrew’s intentional mistake was on display, the glow from the bathroom highlighting every little bruise? Andrew asked for this; he thought about this exact moment when he was on his knees in front of a man who would never matter, and he thought it would be worth it. 

Andrew thought this would protect him from getting hurt by Neil; he just didn’t think to hurt Neil would hurt this badly. This feeling of his insides being carved outside of his body, of wanting to throw up every last night he had inside him, just at the thought of Neil taking his hand away. Taking himself away. Andrew had fallen for him, fully and completely, and he didn’t want to admit it until he hit the ground. He shattered the ground. He broke the foundation; now he had nothing left to stand on. 

“Neil, I did something bad last night. I wasn’t drunk. I initiated it, I consented to it. At the moment I thought I needed it, but I need you to understand that I don’t need it. I don’t need or want anything else”, Andrew was shaking. How did people do this? If Andrew could only feel the bare minimum, he didn’t want to imagine what this would feel like for Neil; Neil who felt everything, and didn’t deserve anything. Not anything like this.

“Andrew, whatever you did, we can undo; but you need to tell me what happened-”

Andrew dropped the blanket, and the silence that followed hit him in ways that he couldn't imagine. It took a moment for Neil to realize what he was supposed to be looking at, and what exactly that meant. 

"Andrew-"

One second. Hickeys. 

Two seconds. Neil didn't give him those. They hadn't had sex in days.

Three. Andrew went out last night, and he couldn't look at Neil when he got back.

Four. Someone else was kissing Andrew. Andrew was kissing someone else.

Neil wanted to throw up on the bathroom floor. The ugly yellow tile chipped away from years of teenage boys abusing it. Maybe Wymack could talk to someone about redecorating. Neil wanted to make it to the toilet, or a trash can, but he didn’t think the bile in his throat could wait that long. He just didn’t want to stain the carpet; the carpet was nice. Neil decided that when they were redecorating, the carpet could stay.

Five. Neil was nothing.

Six. They were nothing.

Seven. Andrew wanted someone else, someone who wasn't Neil.

Neil didn’t make it to the toilet, or the trash can, but he did make it to the tiles. This fell short of an accomplishment, in Neil’s book. Nothing felt like an accomplishment right now. Not when his boyfriend-friend with benefits-soulmate-everything-nothing- Andrew had been with someone else. Neil needed to think about this in a room that wasn’t covered in Andrew. Andrew’s toothbrush in the bathroom, his cologne clinging to the air, his ever-present body standing in the doorway- wearing Neil’s hoodie, after having another man’s lips on his neck.

“If you could put that in the washing machine, I’d really appreciate it. I have to go now. I have to go on my run, have breakfast with Kevin, and then go to class. That’s what I have to do”.

Neil didn’t know if he’d go to class today, or if Kevin would eat breakfast alone after returning from Thea, but he knew he needed to run. He needed to run because if he didn't he would collapse.

“Abram, talk to me. You can’t run away from this," Andrew sounded so angry, was that at Neil or himself? "I hurt you and we need to talk about it so we can decide what to do next-”

“When did we become a ‘we’, Andrew? You’ve only ever told me that we were ‘nothing’, and that ‘this isn’t a this’," Neil couldn't believe that, could he? Did Andrew make him believe that? "You didn't cheat on me; we weren't together.” 

The logical explanation was dead upon arrival, delivered wrapped in Neil's careless tone, with eyes that had never looked so empty. Andrew stared blankly at Neil, whose fingers trembled as he tied his shoelaces. Andrew felt the hollowness in his stomach, and he wanted to wrap his arms around himself just to keep his insides intact. He wanted Neil to keep his insides intact.

Neil took one last parting glance towards Andrew, with a level of apathy that scared him.

“You always said you’d get bored of me, it just happened sooner than either of us expected. It’s okay, Andrew”.

It wasn’t.

Nothing about the situation was okay.  
But Andrew was never taught how to communicate, and Neil was never taught how to cope. Not with this; not with anything like this.

So when Neil closed the apartment door, Andrew stood there silently, asking himself if this had really been what he wanted. If this had been what protecting himself felt like, Andrew never wanted to do it again.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew have two different ways of confiding in two different people, but the end result is the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's important to me that you guys know that Matt Boyd is played by Reece King, and that I would die for brotp neil + matt.
> 
> Also thank you guys for being so supportive of the first chapter!! I've never written anything like this before and I really appreciate the feedback!!
> 
> This chapter might not b everything ppl wanted but there will be more so like ! Pls stay tuned

Neil Josten ran until breathing felt like shards of glass puncturing his lungs every time he inhaled, and like all the life left in him was carried out in the release. Until his mind was so focused on, “Run faster, Abram. Don’t look back, don’t slow down,” that he thought for the first time in years, he might have to. ‘This was the consequence of being one person’, he thought; ‘this is what Mom was trying to avoid’.

His mom would’ve beat him black and blue if she’d seen him feeling this much; over a boy, nonetheless. ‘But Mom, this boy gave me a key and called it home. This boy put me back together after my father took me apart’, Neil thought- pleaded, with the ghost of his mother. What was he doing?

Where was that boy now?

Andrew Minyard smoked two packs of cigarettes down to their filters, broke one glass plate that once held wheat bread toast, and had a silent breakfast with Kevin Day. He didn’t notice when Kevin turned a game on, and for once, he didn’t care enough to make him turn it off.  
Kevin didn’t question the hickeys, because he shouldn’t have had to.

Andrew lit another cigarette and kept an eye on the door.

Kevin didn’t know why Neil wasn’t in their dorm, or why Andrew was sitting with him, watching an exy game; but he wanted to ask. He wanted to ask Andrew, who kept trailing static glances towards the front door like he was expecting a hurricane to fall through the frame, what happened- why it happened. It felt like Andrew was going through withdrawals again; how sick he looked, how empty yet desperate his eyes were. Kevin remembered that feeling, when he craved something, anything, so badly his mouth was watering, begging for a cure but not being able to find it within arms reach. Where was Neil?

“Andrew slept with somebody else”.

When Matt Boyd approached Neil outside the Foxhole Court, he didn’t know what to say- he didn’t know where to begin. He hadn’t seen Neil look this small since the first time they met; the skittish, brown-eyed boy that checked every exit, and always stood an arm's length away. Matt didn’t ask any questions; he unlocked his truck, and they sat in silence because Matt would never push until Neil was ready. _When would he be ready, when he looked this broken?_ Matt asked himself.

The only thing heard in the truck was Neil’s chest heaving, and the song playing on the radio; it smelled like the sweat leaking from his pores. Neil thought he had heard the song once before, maybe at a truck stop somewhere, but he didn’t care for it enough to ask Matt for the name. Matt knew the name of every song that played on the radio, even the ones he didn’t like. Neil didn’t understand why Matt spent-

“Neil, buddy, come on. What happened last night?” Matt was touching his shoulder, slowly carding his fingers up through Neil’s hair. Matt’s hand was large, but not threatening; firm, but comforting. He was the only other person who Neil would have touch him in times like this; when Neil’s mind was so far from where his heart was, he couldn’t recall where he was when he came back down. The only person besides-

“Andrew. Andrew, he slept with someone else. He went out last night, and when I woke up this morning he had marks on his neck,” The sight of them made Neil sick; the harsh purple, the teeth marks littering themselves across Andrew’s porcelain skin. Neil wanted to throw up again; he wanted a cigarette. “I didn’t give him those, I know I didn’t”.

They didn’t even look enjoyable, they looked like the guy bit too hard. Did Andrew like that, was that what he wanted now? If Andrew wanted Neil to bite harder, Neil wished he had just asked.

Instead of this.

Anything instead of what this felt like- like someone put any electric blender where his organs should be, and rocks inside his toes. Neil felt so many things at once, but he couldn’t move his feet. He stared down at them as if they belonged to someone else. Like someone had put Neil’s legs on someone else’s body and said, ‘Here, these are yours now’. Neil didn’t know how to work them, but he was scared they’d carry him home.

Neil thought maybe, for a moment, Andrew could have regretted it; this morning, when he all but fell into Neil’s touch. But Andrew doesn’t make mistakes, and he never believed in regret. If Andrew slept with someone who wasn’t Neil, it was because he wanted to; and that was okay. Okay for Andrew, but-

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to look at him when I go back to the dorm. I’ve never done this before. We were never friends, we could never be friends,” Neil laughed at the thought, but his eyes were wet, “If Andrew wants someone else, I’ll let him be. I didn’t know he was having second thoughts, I thought it was always yes with us-” The bile, the bile, the bile. Had someone cleaned that up, or was it staining the tile further? “- but I don’t think he wants me anymore. I think he finally lost interest,” Neil stopped to catch his breath.

Neil Josten was spirling; he was spinning, he was spinning, he was spinning, he spun until he settled on words that set his lungs on fire,

“He always said he would, I just thought he’d tell me first”.

Maybe that was it.

_Maybe it was because Neil didn’t see this coming._

Maybe that’s why while Andrew was having breakfast with Kevin, Neil was staring out Matt’s windshield; wishing he was farther from the roof that held too much. Andrew had invited Neil up there, held his face in his hands, had given him kisses, and then watched him fall off the edge. Maybe Andrew maintained eye contact the entire way down, but his feet never left the rooftop.

‘Cause things like him and Andrew, things that aren’t _‘things’_ and people who aren’t _'we's_ never hit the ground at the same time.

“How about you go back to your old room for a bit? We’ll have a bro night, and we can watch Twilight again. It’s always better the third time, dude, I promise.” Matt suggested, bringing Neil’s attention to his face. Neil didn’t notice he’d been staring at his hands for so long, but he appreciated that Matt wouldn’t mention it.

They both knew Twilight wouldn’t be better the third time, at least, Neil did; he wasn’t too sure about Matt. Instead, he knew that Matt Boyd was the best friend he ever had and that while a ‘bro night’ wouldn’t fix things with Andrew, it could be a start to fixing Neil. ‘Maybe just for tonight’, Neil thought.

"Yeah- yeah, that sounds perfect. Can we order Chinese food?”

Andrew hated Chinese food.

“Chinese food sounds amazing right now, actually. It’s one of the best cures for a breakup, right under a twilight marathon and cuddling with Matthew Boyd,” Neil knew they’d have to talk about this later, and he knew Matt was planning Andrew’s death right now, but he appreciated the enthusiasm. “I’m being serious, bro, I could not make this shit up. I’ll pull it up on my computer for you when we get back.”

Matt’s smile was enough to light up the car, if not slightly diminished by the understanding look in his eyes, but it was enough to assure Neil he could get through today. Andrew always said he couldn’t be Neil’s answer, and Neil knew he couldn’t be Andrews. But Matt could hold him while they watched Twilight for the third time, and the weight of that reality wouldn’t hurt as bad.

Maybe. Maybe not.

‘How do you fix something _you_ infinitely, irreversibly, intentionally fucked up in the first place?’ That was the grand question. Andrew didn’t know, and it seemed Kevin didn’t either. But there were a lot of things Kevin didn’t know; like what happened last night, and when to stop asking so many fucking questions.

“Where’s Neil? He was supposed to be here hours ago to go over plays. He can’t just send you in his place and expect this to work unless you suddenly started caring about this overnight.” Kevin was sitting at the coffee table, stats of the UT players scattered around, and his laptop on their own roster.

Was this Kevin showing he cared?  
‘Funny’, Andrew thought, ‘I don’t like it’.

“I don’t know where the fuck Neil is. Maybe he ran away again. Maybe, ask someone who cares.” He did care, Andrew cared so much he thought it might kill him. Wouldn’t that be a travesty? Kevin would have to grow a spine on his own. Or with the help of a certain redhead, with a mouth like razor blades and eyes that screamed blue ruins; _if_ he returned. Where was Neil?  
Andrew carved lines into the coffee table as they sat on the beanbags. It was a nice coffee table. ‘What a shame’, Andrew thought, and then carved deeper.

“Don’t joke about that; he wouldn’t run away in the middle of a season, he knows that would disqualify us. Can you at least call him? He doesn’t answer my calls this early”, Kevin pleaded, growing more impatient with Andrew by the second.

“I can’t call him, I won’t,” He already tried. Six times. The sixth time, it went straight to voicemail; followed by a single text that simply read ‘No’.

Andrew stopped calling.

“So make your own fucking plays, and stop asking useless questions.” Andrew should leave, he should go see Renee or Bee. _But what if Neil came back?_ A voice whispered, _What if Neil came back, and I wasn’t here?_

“Andrew, this is serious; the game is on Friday. Call him. What crawled up your ass and died?” Kevin was feeling ballsy, it seemed. Andrew had to be proud of him for that. Andrew plastered a grin on his cheeks and pretended the confession didn’t kill him.

“Nothing crawled up my ass, actually, but I did put his dick in my mouth. I don’t remember his name, and I don’t really want to; he bit too hard for my taste. Is that what you wanted to know, Kevin?” Andrew didn’t watch for the inevitable response as he put one cigarette out on Kevin’s beanbag, and then lit another. Kevin was too stunned to make him put it out. Andrew had disabled to smoke detector years ago, this was only an inconvenience for Kevin, and Andrew didn’t care.

He couldn’t; not when Neil left at the ass crack of dawn to go for a run and hadn’t returned to their dorm since he’d seen what Andrew had done. What Andrew had let someone else do to him, to them.

“What are you talking about, Andrew? What does that even mean?” Could Kevin not take a hint? Were the context clues simply not enough, or did he just not believe what was right in front of him?

“It means last night I drove myself to Eden’s, took the first guy who approached me to the back room and had my way with him. He seemed to enjoy it, but I don’t think we’ll go for a second round. Though, I didn’t ask him to fill out a questionnaire or rate me 1-10, so who knows?”

Silence.

“Neil does, actually. Neil knows the gist of what happened”.

Andrew couldn’t breathe, he felt sick to his stomach. Maybe he could blame the nicotine, but a little voice in the back of his head told him that wasn’t right. Andrew hurt Neil, and he couldn’t stomach the aftermath.

He couldn’t stomach it, because he thought that losing Neil might be the one thing he couldn’t survive.

“So, you can go find Neil yourself if you need him that badly. Word on the street is, he might not be up for exy talk right now. But he’s a junkie through and through, just like you; so, again, who knows?”

Andrew didn’t, he didn’t know anything. He didn’t know where Neil went, who he was with, or if he was okay. But Neil always gave Andrew space when he was having bad days, so Andrew needed to do the same.

Even if it killed him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI sorry this took so long ! finals and work were kicking my ass but now im sick and have to stay in bed all day so i figured it would b a good time to publish the last chapter.

“Thank you for coming to see me today, Andrew.”

Though Andrew knew Bee never would, the tone sounded mocking; but maybe that was just nicotine headache pounding behind his eyes. Or, it could be because Neil left their dorm on Monday morning, and today was Wednesday. Today was Wednesday and they still hadn’t said a word to each other.

The hot chocolate in front of Andrew was steaming, and it smelled like the fancy kinda Bee only brought out when it was the worst-case scenario. Was that what this was? 

“You look uneasy, is there something you’d like to discuss with me?” Bee sat up in her chair, all motherly and dotting.

“I messed up my thing up; my thing with Neil, whatever it was.” His jaw hurt from hard he was clenching it; fighting between keeping the words in and giving them to Bee. But if he wanted to get this back with Neil, he needed to start somewhere.

“Why do you say that, Andrew?” 

Because I sucked someone else’s dick, Bee.

“I was with someone else, and Neil found out. Now he won’t talk to me.”

Neil wouldn’t even look at him. The few times their schedules had overlapped, Neil was always with Matt; he was always looking anywhere except Andrew.

“Would you like to start with why you cheated, or how the confrontation with Neil went, Andrew?” Bee was staring at Andrew like she understood him. It was sickening. She should’ve been disappointed, she shouldn’t be understanding.

Andrew looked around the room, then at the glass bee on Bee’s desk. “Neither, preferably; but why not bite the bullet?” Maybe it’ll get lodged in my brain and I won’t have to deal with this. “I’ll take ‘Why did Andrew Cheat?’ for 500, Fleming.” The glass bee did nothing to respond to his joke.

 **"** Okay, Andrew, did you cheat on him because you didn’t want to be with him anymore? It’s okay, if you want other people; you can start a new relationship with someone else. But you should let Neil know first, or maybe now, talk to him about it? Try using your words to explain what you did, and why you did it. Do you want to apologize?”

_Of course I want to apologize, I just don’t know how._

“I don’t want anyone else. Hooking up with that guy was consensual, yeah, but I didn’t want him. I wanted anyone who wasn’t Neil. There was nothing special about him.”

_‘He wasn’t anything worth giving this up over.’_ went unsaid.

“So, why did you do it, Andrew?” Bee always sounded so calm. So rational. She always knew exactly what to ask to get Andrew talking, and she never pushed too much. Andrew wanted to hate her for it, but they both knew he couldn’t.

“This thing with him was becoming constant. It started feeling too codependent,” No, that wasn’t quite it, “it started becoming ‘always yes’ and that scared the shit out of me. He wasn’t supposed to mean anything, not to me.”

“But he does, doesn’t he? Neil is someone you care about?

“One could say that, I guess.”

“Would you say that, Andrew?”

That was a good question. Did he matter to Andrew? Did Andrew care about him?

_I want him to stay._

“Yes.”

“Have you told him that, Andrew?”

“No.”

**  
  
  
**

“I can’t believe Jacob imprinted on her baby. That’s all kinds of fucked up, man. I would never imprint on your baby.”

Neil never thought he would live to watch to the last Twilight movie, but here he was; cocooned in a swaddle of blankets, laying between Dan and Matt, wanting to carve his eyes out.

“None of this makes sense, why did she even like Jacob? He’s rude and doesn’t respect her boundaries. Edward’s dick literally could have killed her and she still wanted to be with him. This isn’t rational, Bella has a terrible sense of judgment.” Neil shuffled closer to Matt, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Shut up, Neil. There’s no time for rational thinking, only passion and vampire wars. Now, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?” Since when did Allison take this so seriously? Why did she take it so seriously?

“I’m Team Neither; I don’t see how either of them could end up in a healthy relationship.” Neil pulled the blanket closer to this chin. He just wanted this movie to be over. None of the other foxes appreciated his critiques, not the way Andrew did.

“Now that is unrealistic; A healthy relationship, in this economy?” Allison shook her head and threw back some popcorn, scooting closer to Renee. Renee wrapped her arm around her as they sunk deeper into the couch, completely contradicting Allison’s previous statement.

“I’m going outside for a smoke, you guys can keep watching it without me.” Neil said, ejecting himself from the warmth he had burrowed in. He brought his fox blanket with him, trying to make a quick exit before anyone stopped him or tried to give him company.

Neil hadn’t been alone since Matt picked him up, and while he appreciated his friends trying to piece him back together, he needed to breathe for a moment. He needed to put himself back together, without help from anyone else this time. 

Neil went at a light jog up the stairs to the roof. Andrew was in his therapy session with Bee right now, so he shouldn’t be back for an hour or two; by then, Neil would be at the stadium. Neil sat down on the edge, begging his lighter to catch a flame at the end of his cigarette.

**  
  
**

_So, let’s think this through. Prioritize your injuries from top to bottom, Abram._

__ _Top, your chest hurts; it hasn’t stopped hurting since Monday. Sometimes you feel like you’re suffocating under the weight of it, but it’s not unbearable. Can you keep running, like this? Is this something you can live with, Abram?_

‘It won’t kill me,’ Neil thought, ‘It will just hurt for a while, and then one day it will fade. One day I’ll stop coming up here, and the thought of Andrew, Andrew, Andrew won’t feel like a dashboard lighter’.

_How do we heal this, Abram?_

‘I let Andrew move on, and hope one day I’ll do the same’.

Neil knew that wouldn’t happen; people like Neil didn’t get to just ‘move on’. No, Andrew was it for Neil, and everyone knew.

But Neil wasn’t ‘it’ for Andrew, and he was beginning to come to terms with that. Maybe he should’ve started by dismissing the roof entirely, but Neil wasn’t quite at that step yet. Neil wanted to be selfish, wanted to keep whatever artifacts of his past relationship that he could. “You’re pathetic, Abram,” Neil whispered to himself, inhaling the scent of what used to be, “Utterly pathetic.”

“I wouldn’t say utterly pathetic.”

Neil’s neck popped at the force of him turning around, and he almost wished he hadn’t. 

_Oh, this hurts. Looking at Andrew hurts._

Neil’s throat felt like a balloon, filling and filling until there wasn’t room for anything to pass. How was he supposed to do this? The uncomfortable silence that rung between them was new territory for the pair, and Neil hated it, but he couldn’t bring himself to break it either. It wasn’t Neil’s turn to break anything, not now.

Andrew sat down near Neil, but not too close. No knees were touching, no wandering hands; neither could afford the contact. Not when Andrew had too much to give, and Neil had too much taken from him.

“I don’t know where to start, but I know it’s not right of me to rely on you to fix this.” _Was there anything left to fix?_ “You can ask me anything, Abram, I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

The only sound heard was the light breeze flowing between the two; Neil thought it was strong enough to push him off the ledge, with how paper-thin he was feeling.

“Ask me something, Josten,” Andrew sounded desperate- like he wanted to say please. The familiar feeling of a knife making a home in his gut welcomed him, but Neil wasn’t bleeding. Not this time.

“Why aren't you with Bee right now?” _Why are you here, when being around you makes me feel like I can’t breathe, Andrew?_

Andrew chuckled, but they both knew he didn’t find it funny, “I was with Bee, but I thought that this might be a problem I need to fix hands-on.” Is that what Neil was, a problem? Andrew backtracked, “I think that I hurt you, bad, and that I don’t want you to be hurting anymore because of me. I think we need to fix this before I lose you entirely.”

“I wouldn’t run again, the FBI wouldn’t let me. You won’t lose me over this,” _I’m still here, I’m still in love with you, even if you don’t love me._

Neil watched Andrew bunch his eyebrows, looking down at the Palmetto as if it had personally wronged him. “Haven’t I already?” Andrew sounded defeated; like Neil was his lifeline, and someone unplugged him. Neil felt like he had been unplugged.

“No, you haven’t. You didn’t lose me, Andrew, we never had each other, not in a way that you could lose me. You just got bored. You always said you would, and I respect that.” Neil pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders, trying to shield himself from Andrew’s overwhelming gaze.

“You sound like me; I fucking hate that.”

“I’m sorry.” _I mean it, I’m sorry, Drew._

“Shut the fuck up, Abram, you have nothing to apologize for.”

Neil’s phone went off, signaling that he should be getting ready for practice. The conversation had fallen downwards, so Neil saw no reason to stay. He took one last drag of his cigarette and began to push himself upwards, despite the creeks in his bones.

Andrew reached for the boy's hand but drew back. He didn’t get to touch Neil, not right now. “Stay, Abram. Please, stay” 

**  
  
  
**

Andrew hated that word, ‘Please’. But he needed Neil to listen; listen to every apology he could muster, every ‘I love you’ that went unsaid. They couldn’t end like this, Andrew couldn’t live with himself if they did. Andrew rose to his feet, mirroring the boy he so desperately needed. “I fucked us up. I made you think you didn’t matter, that you could be easily replaced. No one could ever fucking replace you, Josten. I love you and it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever felt. I want to be with you all the time, and I never want you to be unhappy, never because of me. These past few days have felt like a death march, somewhere you wouldn’t follow,” Andrew took a deep breath, “and I know that’s my fault. I would take that night back in a heartbeat if I could, Josten.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that much.” Neil looked down at his shoes, which Andrew was thankful for. He didn’t think he could handle those blue eyes right now.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, Abram.” 

Was that all Neil had to say? What if this wasn’t enough? _What if I was too late?_

“Why did you do it, Andrew?”

“I was scared of how much you meant to me, and I wanted to hurt you before you could hurt me.” It’s not pretty, but it’s honest. “I didn’t realize how hard it would be to watch you walk away until I saw you leave. I think hurting you was more painful than anything you could’ve done to me.” Neil looked sick at the thought of hurting Andrew, and that made the man feel even worse. _How did I convince myself that Abram would ever hurt me, after all he’s been through?_

 _‘Because you’ve been through things in life too, Andrew’_ Bee’s voice whispered somewhere in the back of his head. “I know you’d never intentionally hurt me, but I’ve never been able to trust someone like this before. If you’ll give me another chance, I’d really like to try.”

Neil looked back up at Andrew, his blue eyes leaving power lines everywhere they crossed. For the first time in a long while, Andrew couldn’t tell what Neil was thinking.

“I’m not going back to being ‘nothing’, I can’t do that again.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way, Josten. You were never ‘nothing’, for the record; I guess I should have let you know, at some point.”

Neil gazed at Andrew with a level of understanding in his eyes that felt undeserved, and an emotion that Andrew could finally reciprocate. Andrew slowly reached for his hand, giving him a chance to pull away. Neil intertwined their fingers and buried his head in Andrew’s shoulder. It was the first time either boy felt like they could breathe in days, and Andrew wouldn’t take him for granted again. Andrew slid his hand into Neil’s whirlwind of curls and held him so tight he thought Neil’s bones might pop.

“I’m here as long as you want me, Junkie.” Andrew had missed the smell of Neil’s shampoo; which was actually Andrew’s, but it always smelled better on Neil. Andrew never wanted to forget that smell.

“Just don’t leave, never again.”

_I need you to stay, just as badly as you need me._

“I promise.”

**  
  
  
**

_Neil Abram Josten had been everything since the day Andrew Minyard charged an exy racket into his ribcage._


End file.
